Let It Go

Long time, no post! No proper post, that is. I’ve had trouble figuring out exactly what I’ve wanted to write. (I just took a moment to have a conversation with my cat, Guinevere. Standard stuff.) 

This past month, I thought I finished up all of my college applications. Short, sweet: I’m transferring to a university to finish up my schooling. It’s been a long road and I just want to get it done. I’d finished all of my apps before their deadlines and sent my previous transcripts accordingly. I’d been sent receipts for all of my transcript orders, so I figured I was in the clear. 

Nope. 

A few days after the due dates for the aforementioned applications, I received emails from both schools that they were in need of transcripts from me. Hmm, what? Excuse? Apparently, these schools had not received some of my transcripts. One of the schools I’d sent my transcripts near a month ago. What is going on?!

Frantic emailing and checking and rechecking only sent me into a spiral of panic. There is very little I can do in this situation. The establishments I ordered from sent me confirmations that my transcripts had been sent. I had the emails. I can’t travel through the post and search for my transcripts. I haven’t had a problem like this until now, so the circumstances are uncharted territory. 

Eventually, I found myself deep in the anxiety that I had been successfully overcoming these past few weeks. There is no explaining the anger that rears when coming down from that sort of high. Realizing that I was panicking over something that I couldn’t entirely change was the first step. I can’t track down my transcripts on my own; I can only sit back and pray that they arrive (with some communication to the recipients as well). I can keep checking in and asking about the progress. I might even be able to contact the institutions that have the transcripts in question. In the end, though, the best thing that I can do: let it go. 

I need to let go of this anxiety that is eating away at me because of something I have no control over. I need to let go of my inner need to control. I need to allow the universe (or what have you) to do its job and lead me on the right path. Of course, I can’t just sit back and give up, but I can choose how I handle the situation. I hope, in the end, everything works out. Until then, I’ll let it go. 

A poem

My chest is broken open

spilling out its contents in glass shards 

that glint in the light of the window. 

It’s a shot in the dark.

A pull at the lever

that causes the titles to 

spin and spin and spin. 

It’s a warm spring day

down an empty boulevard,

the radio playing 

because the sound of silence reminds me

of those moments when I felt so empty, 

I feared I would fade away. 

Two notes. 

That’s all it takes

to have the wind knocked out of 

my lungs. 

Two notes to begin a song

that brings joy to 

so many. 

It brought joy to you

and through your joy

I found my own. 

Now the broken glass from my chest

reopens the scarred and puckered wound.

Through this song you found your joy. 

Yet you never found your joy through me.

(h.e. 8 February 2014)

2014

It’s been a while!

This year, I discovered that I’m not one to make resolutions. Now, I’m certainly not going to spit on other people for doing so – you do you, boo – but over the course of my relatively short lifetime I’ve discovered that resolutions don’t work for me. It might be the fact that I, an avid reader, failed my resolution to read 100 books last year. Hmm, what was my final number again? Oh yeah, eighteen

There was a reason for my hindered ability to reach my reading goal. Beyond that fact that any of the Song of Ice and Fire series by George R. R. Martin take me ages, I also found that 2013 was a year of anxiety. I was deep in a pit of constant worry, insecurity, and instability. Of course, not all of 2013 was bad; There were many moments and events that I will always remember fondly. But 2013 overall was not my best year. 

Currently, I am in a bit of life limbo because I am applying to colleges. Yep, I am transferring for the third time. I have absolutely no regrets when it comes to my college history. By transferring, I have not only experienced basically every kind of college in the book, but I have also learned quite a bit about myself along the way. What is frightening about this limbo is that I don’t know where I am going to finish college. I know that I will get in to at least one school, but the fact that I don’t know which one or whether I’ll have a choice is what bothers me. I like planning ahead. I’m a planner (which reminds me, I need to go and purchase one of those today…). I like having everything set out neatly in front of me. In short, limbo is not for me. I like standing up straight, thank you very much. 

I have made the executive decision that I am going to make 2014 my best year yet. Corny? Shush. I can feel it, though. Beyond the fact that I literally started the year by cleaning up a mess my cat made all over my bedroom floor and then caught the bug that has been going around, I haven’t had any anxiety yet. That is a huge improvement and, I like to think, a good omen. 

So here is to 2014! I hope to be blogging more, but it isn’t a resolution so no one can hold it against me if I don’t.